Do I Adjust or Slog On?

 I wonder...

My husband is always doing things that make me worry. Things that send me running to my computer and seeking assurance from Dr. Google that he is not regressing, getting sicker, hitting a wall he is not going to be able to climb over. Having a lethargic day after a stellar day, seeming confused about something, having a difficult time standing in his lift. 

I have tried so hard not to allow anyone around us to believe anything short of his recovery. No negative Nellies. No setting the bar low. No using poor expectations as an excuse for poor outcomes. 

But in my darkest moments I worry. Am I fooling myself? Is this our life now? Are my days never going to return to anything resembling my old life? 

Or am I now to spend my days managing medications, emptying commodes, and fetching the endless array of things he needs but but can't get up and get himself. 

Is my life set to be jammed with request after request to stop what I have just begun to assist him with a task that requires a skill robbed from him and feels urgent to him but seems less so to me? 

Is this my new forever? 

If I knew I could adjust. There is much to be said for my life. I could mourn my old life and be done with it. Build something new in it's place. 

But then he has a great day. He shines and there is new hope. A new high standard is set and hope springs forward. I see all of this as temporary again.

And I slog on.